my reasons to be thankful

Thanksgiving, as I have mentioned time and time again, is my favourite time of the year. And to go with the cheese of my favourite holiday, I'm just letting you know that this year, and every year really, what I'm most thankful for is you. All of you. No, seriously. I should write more depressed and complaining posts because it instigates you to respond and I love you for it.

I swear, you are the reasons I love my life when I love it and the reasons I love it when I find it hard to. I feel like I came all the way to the UK to find some people who inspire me. I always like to be around people who inspire me each and every day but more and more I found that maybe I had in fact moved myself away from those people, YOU people. So then, maybe, just maybe, the reason for my crappy outlook on life the majority of the last year is that I was in fact looking for the inspiration that I already had. And that now, this whole college experience, which I was hoping would be a massive communal part-of-something-bigger-than-myself extravaganza is actually going to be the time I find inspiration within myself. That I need to realise that I have extrinsic motivation and love and inspiration from everyone I love and now I need to spark that inspiration within myself. You get me?

In a completely opposite vein of what I was going on about in the last post, I need to realise that although I don't feel it or know it, that I am already some sort of inspiration to my friends. That makes me sound like SUCH A TARD saying that but I mean.. to my friends, I actually matter. And maybe the people I was looking for here, whoever they were are not here and it's my chance to take the empty spot. I may always be looking for inspiration in others but right now, I guess it's my turn to be that person to someone else. And I NEED that chance to focus my own spark because if you have a light in you that you can keep going on your own, no matter what, you could probably get through a ton of shit that will break you otherwise. Or maybe it'll still break you. AND THEN LIKE A PHOENIX YOU RISE FROM THE ASHES A NEW BIRD TAKING FLIGH-- right, sorry. Today's been a long day. I need a break, clearly.

So basically, thank you. Thank you for existing. Thank you Sarah for being my mental guru who pulls me up by my bootstraps when I cannot. Thank you Daniela for anticipating the content of this post before I even thought of it myself (I will respond to your message which melted my heart, I promise!). Thank you (in no particular order) Amanda (for being you) and Lauren (for always leaving me wall posts when you think of me and listen to the Kooks) and Jackie (for being my Humberto) and Mona (for always yelling at me to get on Skype and for amazing Skype sessions when I actually DO get on Skype) and Tyler (for, you know) and Liam (for not emailing me in sooo long-- just kidding. For emailing me with the mundane on-goings of your life WHICH I LOVE) and Julia (WHO I HAVEN'T EVEN MET PROPERLY) and Michelle (who is my triplet) and Molly (if you're still here?) and holy crap I don't even know who else reads this (leave a comment!) for being the greatest support net, mentally emotionally crazily lovingly, that anyone in the world could ever ask for.

This is my year to learn to live alone to the fullest, and to know that when I struggle, I have you. And you are the best yous in this universe and I am honestly the most blessed person to have you, even to have the shortest minute of attention out of your lives because you matter that much to me. And you can slap me if I ever forget it.

Tomorrow night, we're having a joint Thanksgiving and Eid-ul-Adha celebration dinner, Becca's coming to join me, and on Friday night we're having an N64ing session with a couple friends, and THEN on Saturday we're going to roam the German Christmas Market in town. Today has been a beautiful day because I went to Action Palestine for the first time in forever and was reminded why I joined in the first place and then our dabke session (on my part at least) went pretty well considering and I just felt on top of it all. Love.

♥

the inevitable lull

There's something about this point between Reading Week and my nonexistent Thanksgiving break that gets me really, really down. There's just nothing more I can do but accept that I don't get to go home for my favourite holiday and I'll have to watch the festivities from a grainy webcam over Skype with my pseudo-replacement turkey dinner here at Gabs. Sigh.

It's this lull that makes me sit here and be lonely. Or be frustrated that my life isn't more exciting or just interesting even in the smallest of ways. It makes me feel like I've gotten set into a routine of passing hours and days and weeks with absolutely nothing to show for them. Which isn't just a feeling, it's an actuality.

And it annoys me that I always seem to be the only one complaining and not doing anything about it. I don't like being stuck in a rut and goodness knows I would never wish that upon anyone but sometimes I just wonder, why do I seem like the only one who is so annoyed by this I feel the need to vocalise it? Or why do my lulls last this long that they become such a palpable worry? I can't believe I'm about to make this reference but you know, it's like going to a club and they play some fantastically good songs in pairs and then bucket loads of boring non-danceable ones in between. It makes it hard to have fun.

I just wish the lulls weren't so draggish that they honestly make me wish I lived other people's lives. Other people are just so much more talented and interesting and seem to create the excitement in their lives whereas I sit here and wait. I wish I had stronger motivation to lead a thrilling life. I did actually, I really did and then a couple weeks ago I was swamped with stress and it knocked me down. I'll get back up there eventually. It's not like school is particularly stressful or anything (I mean, I know nothing for any of my classes and that lab write-up and essay in a couple weeks are going to hurt but that's besides the point). I just like to complain about these sucky times while I can so as to garner your sympathy and hugs. No, not really, they just weigh me down a bit and I like to unload on a blank web page.

Speaking of sympathy and hugs, I think I'll take the time to get some Oreos, milk, and either an episode of Buffy or start the new season of Heroes. After I do a smidgen of work so I don't feel too guilty.

And focus on the positives!:

Amazing gigs attended: 4 (Tegan&Sara were absolutely delightful. I adore and have established a girl crush on Sara.)

Homecooked meals to be had courtesy of Amina's recently arrived mother: INFINITE.

Number of rainbow cakes successfully baked: 1

365. EVERY DAY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE

craving #22

I have the most severe craving for nachos right now it's unbelievable. I can feel the melted cheese on my tongue and the scrape of the salty tortilla chip underneath, mmmmmm. And what is it about describing food that always has some sort of sexual connotation? I just want nachos.

Mr Hudson @ the Academy 2, Manchester, UK.

Can you tell when I'm having a sucky time of it by the way I write a little less excitedly, a little less zealous with my words, a little more uninterested and crappily? I need more not here in my life. I need more Venice, Italy in my life. I need more little studenty houses in the bright beautiful nature. I need more Greece and Paris and India and Japan. I need more life in my life sometimes.

I wish I'd given myself the option...

updatage, yo.

Just keeping you posted on the little going-ons of my life. About to sit down with a cup of cocoa and bowl of cereal with either the Office or It's Always Sunny which I haven't watched in forever so maybe the latter. It's craptastically freezing outside.

Reading Week was alright, too quick as breaks usually are. Backstreet Boys (♥) photos are up on the Face and I'll link a video here too. Anyone who criticises any millisecond of their existence will be hunted, found and dealt with appropriately. Speaking of gigs, I'm going to see Mr Hudson this Thursday ... and Tegan & Sara this Saturday, except I have no one to go with as Anisah wants to go home for her birthday weekend. And Taylor Swift on the 27th! No one in the UK understands my excitement over seeing Taylor Swift, it's disappointing. When I bought the tickets, anyone I spoke to in the UK was like, oh okay, that's cool. Not the reaction I was looking for but I was pleased to find satisfactory results when telling my US friends. I can't help it. I'm a 90s girly teeny bopper at heart and always will be.

I'm going to London, woo! My aunt cousin invited me down for a weekend and I think this might be one of the only chances I get before she & familia move out of the UK so that'll be nice.

This past weekend in Widnes was really great! Epic late night Dr Who-ing (finished series 3, EPIC, and I really really like Martha actually, sad to see her go), Mario Kart Wii-ing (aka falling off Rainbow Road repeatedly), aaaand crazy family gatherings, which are always nice.

Coursework is piling its way onto my fragile head and I don't wannaaaaaaa. Hhhhhhhhhhh.

I met up with that cognitive research lady and she's ever so wonderful and accommodating and I'm excited to see what I'll get up to in the labs! It'll be all about the neural basis of memory and recall and semantic / episodic memory and fMRIs and I'm excited!

I feel like I've just got on a speeding track that's not stopping till I land in LA on Dec 20th. Let's hope I can make it.

PS Dunno about you lot but I quite like keeping myself posted on the daily going-ons of my own life because I've never kept a diary properly before and I enjoy that I've now got the swing of things, after years of failed attempts. Sorry, you can skip out on these inconsequentially detailed posts, haha.

my world of text

here.