my reasons to be thankful

Thanksgiving, as I have mentioned time and time again, is my favourite time of the year. And to go with the cheese of my favourite holiday, I'm just letting you know that this year, and every year really, what I'm most thankful for is you. All of you. No, seriously. I should write more depressed and complaining posts because it instigates you to respond and I love you for it.

I swear, you are the reasons I love my life when I love it and the reasons I love it when I find it hard to. I feel like I came all the way to the UK to find some people who inspire me. I always like to be around people who inspire me each and every day but more and more I found that maybe I had in fact moved myself away from those people, YOU people. So then, maybe, just maybe, the reason for my crappy outlook on life the majority of the last year is that I was in fact looking for the inspiration that I already had. And that now, this whole college experience, which I was hoping would be a massive communal part-of-something-bigger-than-myself extravaganza is actually going to be the time I find inspiration within myself. That I need to realise that I have extrinsic motivation and love and inspiration from everyone I love and now I need to spark that inspiration within myself. You get me?

In a completely opposite vein of what I was going on about in the last post, I need to realise that although I don't feel it or know it, that I am already some sort of inspiration to my friends. That makes me sound like SUCH A TARD saying that but I mean.. to my friends, I actually matter. And maybe the people I was looking for here, whoever they were are not here and it's my chance to take the empty spot. I may always be looking for inspiration in others but right now, I guess it's my turn to be that person to someone else. And I NEED that chance to focus my own spark because if you have a light in you that you can keep going on your own, no matter what, you could probably get through a ton of shit that will break you otherwise. Or maybe it'll still break you. AND THEN LIKE A PHOENIX YOU RISE FROM THE ASHES A NEW BIRD TAKING FLIGH-- right, sorry. Today's been a long day. I need a break, clearly.

So basically, thank you. Thank you for existing. Thank you Sarah for being my mental guru who pulls me up by my bootstraps when I cannot. Thank you Daniela for anticipating the content of this post before I even thought of it myself (I will respond to your message which melted my heart, I promise!). Thank you (in no particular order) Amanda (for being you) and Lauren (for always leaving me wall posts when you think of me and listen to the Kooks) and Jackie (for being my Humberto) and Mona (for always yelling at me to get on Skype and for amazing Skype sessions when I actually DO get on Skype) and Tyler (for, you know) and Liam (for not emailing me in sooo long-- just kidding. For emailing me with the mundane on-goings of your life WHICH I LOVE) and Julia (WHO I HAVEN'T EVEN MET PROPERLY) and Michelle (who is my triplet) and Molly (if you're still here?) and holy crap I don't even know who else reads this (leave a comment!) for being the greatest support net, mentally emotionally crazily lovingly, that anyone in the world could ever ask for.

This is my year to learn to live alone to the fullest, and to know that when I struggle, I have you. And you are the best yous in this universe and I am honestly the most blessed person to have you, even to have the shortest minute of attention out of your lives because you matter that much to me. And you can slap me if I ever forget it.

Tomorrow night, we're having a joint Thanksgiving and Eid-ul-Adha celebration dinner, Becca's coming to join me, and on Friday night we're having an N64ing session with a couple friends, and THEN on Saturday we're going to roam the German Christmas Market in town. Today has been a beautiful day because I went to Action Palestine for the first time in forever and was reminded why I joined in the first place and then our dabke session (on my part at least) went pretty well considering and I just felt on top of it all. Love.

♥

the inevitable lull

There's something about this point between Reading Week and my nonexistent Thanksgiving break that gets me really, really down. There's just nothing more I can do but accept that I don't get to go home for my favourite holiday and I'll have to watch the festivities from a grainy webcam over Skype with my pseudo-replacement turkey dinner here at Gabs. Sigh.

It's this lull that makes me sit here and be lonely. Or be frustrated that my life isn't more exciting or just interesting even in the smallest of ways. It makes me feel like I've gotten set into a routine of passing hours and days and weeks with absolutely nothing to show for them. Which isn't just a feeling, it's an actuality.

And it annoys me that I always seem to be the only one complaining and not doing anything about it. I don't like being stuck in a rut and goodness knows I would never wish that upon anyone but sometimes I just wonder, why do I seem like the only one who is so annoyed by this I feel the need to vocalise it? Or why do my lulls last this long that they become such a palpable worry? I can't believe I'm about to make this reference but you know, it's like going to a club and they play some fantastically good songs in pairs and then bucket loads of boring non-danceable ones in between. It makes it hard to have fun.

I just wish the lulls weren't so draggish that they honestly make me wish I lived other people's lives. Other people are just so much more talented and interesting and seem to create the excitement in their lives whereas I sit here and wait. I wish I had stronger motivation to lead a thrilling life. I did actually, I really did and then a couple weeks ago I was swamped with stress and it knocked me down. I'll get back up there eventually. It's not like school is particularly stressful or anything (I mean, I know nothing for any of my classes and that lab write-up and essay in a couple weeks are going to hurt but that's besides the point). I just like to complain about these sucky times while I can so as to garner your sympathy and hugs. No, not really, they just weigh me down a bit and I like to unload on a blank web page.

Speaking of sympathy and hugs, I think I'll take the time to get some Oreos, milk, and either an episode of Buffy or start the new season of Heroes. After I do a smidgen of work so I don't feel too guilty.

And focus on the positives!:

Amazing gigs attended: 4 (Tegan&Sara were absolutely delightful. I adore and have established a girl crush on Sara.)

Homecooked meals to be had courtesy of Amina's recently arrived mother: INFINITE.

Number of rainbow cakes successfully baked: 1

365. EVERY DAY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE

craving #22

I have the most severe craving for nachos right now it's unbelievable. I can feel the melted cheese on my tongue and the scrape of the salty tortilla chip underneath, mmmmmm. And what is it about describing food that always has some sort of sexual connotation? I just want nachos.

Mr Hudson @ the Academy 2, Manchester, UK.

Can you tell when I'm having a sucky time of it by the way I write a little less excitedly, a little less zealous with my words, a little more uninterested and crappily? I need more not here in my life. I need more Venice, Italy in my life. I need more little studenty houses in the bright beautiful nature. I need more Greece and Paris and India and Japan. I need more life in my life sometimes.

I wish I'd given myself the option...

updatage, yo.

Just keeping you posted on the little going-ons of my life. About to sit down with a cup of cocoa and bowl of cereal with either the Office or It's Always Sunny which I haven't watched in forever so maybe the latter. It's craptastically freezing outside.

Reading Week was alright, too quick as breaks usually are. Backstreet Boys (♥) photos are up on the Face and I'll link a video here too. Anyone who criticises any millisecond of their existence will be hunted, found and dealt with appropriately. Speaking of gigs, I'm going to see Mr Hudson this Thursday ... and Tegan & Sara this Saturday, except I have no one to go with as Anisah wants to go home for her birthday weekend. And Taylor Swift on the 27th! No one in the UK understands my excitement over seeing Taylor Swift, it's disappointing. When I bought the tickets, anyone I spoke to in the UK was like, oh okay, that's cool. Not the reaction I was looking for but I was pleased to find satisfactory results when telling my US friends. I can't help it. I'm a 90s girly teeny bopper at heart and always will be.

I'm going to London, woo! My aunt cousin invited me down for a weekend and I think this might be one of the only chances I get before she & familia move out of the UK so that'll be nice.

This past weekend in Widnes was really great! Epic late night Dr Who-ing (finished series 3, EPIC, and I really really like Martha actually, sad to see her go), Mario Kart Wii-ing (aka falling off Rainbow Road repeatedly), aaaand crazy family gatherings, which are always nice.

Coursework is piling its way onto my fragile head and I don't wannaaaaaaa. Hhhhhhhhhhh.

I met up with that cognitive research lady and she's ever so wonderful and accommodating and I'm excited to see what I'll get up to in the labs! It'll be all about the neural basis of memory and recall and semantic / episodic memory and fMRIs and I'm excited!

I feel like I've just got on a speeding track that's not stopping till I land in LA on Dec 20th. Let's hope I can make it.

PS Dunno about you lot but I quite like keeping myself posted on the daily going-ons of my own life because I've never kept a diary properly before and I enjoy that I've now got the swing of things, after years of failed attempts. Sorry, you can skip out on these inconsequentially detailed posts, haha.

my world of text

here.

Pretty sure I want to marry the entity that is the Backstreet Boys right about now. ♥

open mic & smarties party

I forgot to tell you about these exciting happenings in my life when they happened so I'm doing so now when I have a bit of a break (during my week break, wtf) to take my mind back to happier times.

A couple weeks ago (is it a couple weeks now? damn) the New Student Writing Soc had their first open mic night. It was right after the Diwali celebration dinner at Gabs so I was all gussied up when I walked into the dingier Saki Bar's upstairs for a night of written and spoken word. I found a couple first year Gabs girls there randomly which was cool as I had no one else that I had actually come with.

I wasn't planning on reading but then when I walked in, quickly wedged myself into a corner behind a table as the open mic-ness was just starting, I looked down to see a big notepad with the prompt COGNITIVE ARCHITECTURE written on it and below, someone had written "What the hell does that even mean?" To which I responded:

the twists and turns and lines and vines of our

corrugated minds

thoughts and feels and highs and whys and

you'll never know

-- or merely the castles-in-clouds we dream up,

up and above.

... which I was quite happy with until my friend Aink pointed out that the lines and vines bit sounds like a Jonas Brothers' album which I most certainly did not appreciate. But that was a week later. On the night, I was quite pleased with myself -- especially with the rhymes as I never rhyme. Well, not in a not-forced way, if you get me. So I got up and read that which was nice, as I like to read at these things just to be part of it and not just part of the audience. There were some AMAZING pieces read out that night and I chatted with some lovely people and it was just a really nice night.

Saying all this now makes me feel a bit bad that I'm skipping out on the meeting today as I don't feel well and my brain is too hectic and it's too cold to walk back in the rain and miss dinner and no.

But anyways. After I'd sat back down, I noticed this random guy near me staring at me really really creepily, like he knew something I didn't. Honestly, it looked like he was sizing me up for murder or something so I avoided eye contact. But he just kept staring so eventually I let him know that I was well aware of him and his persistent looks but that didn't deter him. A bit later, he walked out the door next to me and walked back in, but instead of walking back to where he was initially, away from me, he stayed stood behind me. NOT COOL. And then suddenly, there was a break in the readings and this man -- with a dark ponytail, short beard, and too large leather jacket, might I add -- walked up right next to me and just started talking. Starting, of all things, with these words: "I may be out of line with this but I've got to go see a friend (orsomethingsomethingsomething) but I just wanted to leave this, is that alright?" And he dropped in my hand a slip of paper, not even paper -- you know the sheets people use to roll their own cigarettes? Yeah, one of those -- with his name and number on and left.

I turned around to the other Gabs girls, showed them the paper, and just burst out laughing. I had to put my head down I was laughing so hard. Things like this just don't happen to me. Also, HIM? OF ALL THE HOTNESS LINGERING ABOUT THAT ROOM, HIM? Sorry, I should be grateful I could attract, seducing with my words, anyone at all. I should take Hannah up on her suggestion to call him up and recite sonnets to him. My idea was passages from Romeo and Juliet. We were, after all, at a literary event.

The moment was made up for, however, when later on one of my friend's flatmates came up to me ("It's Noor, right?" ♥) and asked me what book I'd read out from. So we discussed how it wasn't a book and how he thought it was going to be a lot longer because he thought it was a book and that if I ever wrote any more of it to pass it along, he's Robyn's flatmate, she'll get it to him. Ahhh, I love people. I love those open mic nights, they're just mostly perfect.

The next day, Wednesday, Becca and I went on a hunt downtown for yellow and red items of clothing for the Life Sciences Smarties Party that night. I was looking for a red dress or pants or skirt and top but was unsuccessful as there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING RED IN TOWN AT ALL. Even though it seemed like every single other person around me was wearing red. Ugh. So, to complete my red t-shirt, bandana, and Converse, I found some red leg warmers, red tights, red cheap plastic bracelets and earrings, a red tutu, and red body paint. Becca got some yellow leggings (which she didn't use but wanted anyways), plastic jewelry, body paint, and suspenders, by my suggestion. OH and yellow Kanye West glasses .. the ones that look like blinds.

So we got back in, went to dabke, raced back to my room and started turning ourselves into Smarties.

I think we looked quite snazzy if I do say so myself. I had to SQUEEEEEZE myself into Becca's jeans as they had holes in them round the knees so you could see the red tights underneath. I still don't know how I got those on.

Then we made our way down to Fallowfield to one of the student residence bars and then to another actual bar down the road. In the first place, we all hung about meeting our respective colour teams, playing games and challenges and it was just FUN. Then on to the next place a few hours later where we had the top room booked out just for us and we had ourselves a grand little night, enthusiastically dancing it away. The whole night was just epic. From the pink guy who would refuse us high fives until we came to a truce and the other pink and blue guys who knew me as Primark girl because they'd seen me earlier that day at Primark and we discussed the lack of Smarties colours in town that day. And the first year red guy who was ridiculously sweet and asked if he'd see me in class and looked thoroughly disappointed to discover I was a second year. The second year girl who was seriously on crack and therefore awesome who just kept exclaiming how many second years there suddenly were and she had no idea where they came from. She had a point -- we kept meeting people we'd never seen before and asking if they were first years and they said second but we have no idear where the hell they were all last year. Becca's yellow crew who I made friends with just by waving at them, the green guy who is my new best friend, all my red team (SCOTT), and just making better friends with the people we already knew.

We just kept meeting loads and loads of people, it was insane. AND SO MUCH FUN. I'm really glad we went this year as opposed to last year as I don't think we would have had as much fun. It was really great being settled in and knowing the ropes and having close friends already and THEN going out and meeting people because we've got the comfort zone that we can step out of and fall back on. We didn't really need to fall back on anything though, so that was swell. The lab coat guy wasn't there, sadly, so hopes are slowly crumbling on that end. WHO CARES.

I just thought you (and by you, I mean Amanda and Lauren especially) would have enjoyed these stories.

So now it's Reading Week yet I feel like I have no break whatsoever. Also, tomorrow I'm going to see the Backstreet Boys in concert. I'm living out my 11-year-old dreams now and I don't care what you say. I cannot wait.

We're planning at Thanksgiving dinner at Gabs and I hope that goes alright. It still won't live up to having Thanksgiving at home -- and this year, it actually is at my house as it's the last year probably for a while that we can have it there :\. So that sucks. I really miss home in autumn. I wish we had Fall Vacation as opposed to Summer Vacation. I just want to spend a year at home but it's already too late now. This time next year, my home is going to be empty. Oh, God. Oh, I don't like that at all.

Getting away from the depressing crap, I'm going to Widnes for Bonfire Night again! Yay, I can't wait. I love Becca's family.

Also, (wow this has turned into quite a long update, sorry) rejoice friends, as I am going to be in the States for all of my winter break this year instead of hopping around three continents. I can't decide whether to be overjoyed that I get to spend a good long while at home or upset that I don't get to go to Kuwait (or Abu Dhabi) like I normally do around that time of year. Silly science, why haven't you invented teleportation yet?

Also, I said I'd show you my view. Here.

Also, Fuse FM (the student radio) launched last night and the first full song they played after they finally got into the swing of things was "California Soul." I felt like they were mocking me.

I think I'll leave you now. I feel like I'm talking too much.

shake that flavours shaken: 3

Buffy & Doctor Who episodes watched: NEVER ENOUGH.

nanowrimo

I feel like I should attempt NaNoWriMo this year because I've never done it before but I'm not confident in my skills as a writer to be a "novel writer" and being the concise person that I am, none of my ideas go on for more than a couple pages of scribbles. A lot of times I think I have good ideas and then realise I don't have the skill to put them down to paper and make them worth reading, or even worth writing to begin with.

And then I thought of the piece I most recently wrote on the prompt of 'lists' for the New Student Writing Society, which I never got around to finishing. It's about a guy who has spent his entire life sitting in a pretty bare room writing lists of things he'd like to do in his life except he never quite got around to doing them because he was too busy making lists. It's not a very exciting idea and it's just an okay piece, especially since it's not done.

I thought I could probably elaborate on it by making him embark on a grand plan to actually complete all his lists and fulfill his life dreams but that just sounds lame. Also, I don't know how I would go about doing that. So I was thinking, what if I asked people to write lists that the main character has "written" and hand them over to me as inspiration. Or maybe I could invite my friends who are writers to write a short about a list and his completion of said list. Or non-completion. Attempt at completion. And then compile them all together in a however many chapter novella as a little collection.

Dunno though. I've never attempted anything more epic than 5 paragraphs as I find that's what I'm best at -- short moments captured in quick simple words, like written photographs, because I'm more of a visual person as it is. But in the end, maybe it's just that I'm not interested or motivated enough to write a novel. It's never been one of my life goals or anything. Hmmm.

Questions? Suggestions? Protests? Answers? Those would be helpful.