another list

Things I really don't want to leave right now:

my bed

my room

my books

my paints & paintbrushes

my walls

my freetime

my carefree nature

my kitchen

my backyard

trader joe's

chips ahoy chewy cookies

actual food

my house

my cat

21 choices

hulu.com

los angeles

my summer list of activities

the local movie rental place

this time zone

my full length mirrors

california

my supah fly friends

my all kinds of family

home

Things I really need a break from right now:

my family

-- in the most loving of ways.

4.48am

hello audience, how've you been?

it's been a while since we've met at this lovely hour of not-even-sunrise so i figured it was time for a visit. i can't even be bothered with the shift key right now, my bad.

so i got into bed around 1 or so with the intention of reading a few pages of MLIA and then settling in for a nice sleep. and because things always go to plan, here i am, four hours later, reopening my laptop after some installations to which i had gladly said goodnight. now i'm anguishing over the loss of my beloved loading search bar on safari and ugly new tabs, and wondering why apple thinks itunes is always in need of a facelift when it is not. i've already checked out sporcle, facebook, tfln, dailybooth, and my email for a bit of entertainment. in between all my web browsing, i have tidied up most of my room, gotten started on that massive pile of clothes that is forever growing on the end of my bed, and had some food in the kitchen.

so. here goes.

1. What Color Is Your Toothbrush?

green & white.

2. Name One Person That Made You Smile Today.

taylor swift.

3, What were you doing at 8 AM?

trying not to wake up.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

cleaning my room, surfing the intarwebz.

5. What is your favorite candy?

mars planets. flakes. chocolate covered raisins. twizzlers!

6. What's the last thing you said out loud?

go to sleep.

7. What is the best ice cream flavor?

um. peppermint. mint. cheesecake.

8. What was the last thing you had to drink?

a bowl of cereal milk.

9. What is the longest you have gone without sleeping?

a little more than 48 hours.

10. Have you ever made a promise you'd die to keep?

hm.. yes, i believe i have.

11. The last sporting event you watched?

erm, usa vs ... brazil? yes, that one. i'm pretty sure.

12. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

buttered.

13. Who is the last person you sent a message to on Facebook?

joey.

14. Ever go camping?

si.

15. Do you take vitamins daily?

non.

16. Do you go to church every Sunday?

no but that's not because i'm not a good christian, it's because i'm not christian.

17. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

at restaurants.

18. What did your last text message say?

"Argh... I hate angry grudgy parents."

19. Where is your dad?

abu dhabi.

20. Look to your left, what do you see?

a giant fuck off pile of stuff: watercolour penciles & paints & related things, cut up hansen cans, bulletin board, canvas, laundry hamper, clothes, towel, contact lenses, shelf of more stuff.

21. What color is your watch?

invisible.

22. What did you do yesterday?

hung around the house, babysat my sister, went to amanda's house and watched airplane!

23. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

i'd rather go through the drive thru but sometimes i go in.

24. What is your favorite number?

hm. i quite like the number 9.

25. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?

my mom?

26. Any plans today?

for this coming day? uh, to read & get started on my dad's music collection.

27. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?

that's a complicated answer. also, insomnia.

28. Last song listened to?

i honestly don't remember because it was hours ago and then i installed the new itunes so even that can't tell me.

29. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

er, yeah.

30. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

my seafoam green sandals i got from modcloth. or my pepper red high tops. also, my newer steve madden sandals that are stunning and, according to anisah, me in a sandal.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?

yyyeah.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?

can't imagine who..

33. Do you love anyone?

mmmhm.

34. What do you usually do during the day?

whatever, read, draw, music, tv, etc.

35. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?

i don't think so.

36. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?

i think so.

37. Meaning of life?

42.

38. Do you like cats?

very much.

39. Have you ever been to Six Flags?

yes, love it.

40. How did you get your worst scar?

pool edge colliding with chin, blood everywhere, ack.

41. Last big talk?

big talk? what the hell does that mean?

42. Last CD played?

like, for real cd? tyler's mixes. on itunes, anisah's mix.

43. Last bubble bath?

i don't remember. how sad is that?

44. Last meal?

insomnia inspired breakfast.

45. Have you ever dated someone twice?

i've never dated someone once.

46. Dated more than one person at a time?

why are you trying to shove it in my face that i have no love life? i know, thank you very much.

47. Have you ever fallen in love?

with many things and people, sure.

48. Have you ever lost someone?

yeah.

49. Have you ever slept until 1PM?

try 2pm.

50. Have you met a famous person?

yup.

51. List five people you can tell pretty much anything to.

tyler, anisah, becca, jackie, amina.

52. List three favorite colors/shades:

deep red, pumpkinny spiced orange, sweet sunshiny yellow, any green. four. whatever.

53. Laughed until you cried?

what's the question here? have i ever? when was the last? silly survey.

54. Went behind your parents back?

no.

55. Opinion on gay marriage?

for it.

56. Lowering the drinking age?

won't make a difference.

57. Who are the best huggers that you know?

liam. aamna.

58. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no?

59. Is there something you want to tell someone?

probably.

60. Would you kiss any of your facebook friends?

sure why not.

61. How Many Kids Do You Want To Have?

4.

62. Do you want to change your name?

because i don't like it? no, i love my name.

63. Last time you saw your father?

aug 26, when he dropped us off at the airport.

64. What time did you wake up today?

ugh, sometime at 8 and then at 10 and then at 11.40am.

65. How old are you?

19.

66. What were you doing at midnight last night?

reading or crosswording.

67. What is your favorite thing in your room?

my room.

68. Where is your best friend?

which one?

a list

Things I am looking forward to:

Tesco's

99 Flakes

Mars Planets

Cafe Nero

winter wardrobes

walking everywhere

movie nights

cooking nights

Chicken Cottage

Rusholme in general

the Northern Quarter

fish&chips

gigs. loads and loads of gigs.

the rest of Buffy

the rest of Doctor Who

Indian movies

legitimate PROPER football frenzy, heard from pubs 'round the world

X-Factor & Britain's Got Talent

that tapas restaurant in Deansgate

springtime

accented people

my one&only friends 

& IKEA shopping with them.

Things I am not looking forward to:

Lab reports.

tumblr

Just in case you weren't aware, I'm just going to plug my tumblr and tumblr in general because it's mighty spiffy and makes it easier & prettier to post more than just words. Not that words are insufficient for the most part but I like mixed media. So check it out.

EDIT: Also check out this lovely blog of inspiration.

Aaaaaand I finally added pictures to my London post.

Sometimes, I'm pretty sure all I need in life are chai lattes, chewy chips ahoy, and a late night viewing of 'Clueless.'

dear college admissions

I had this whole college admissions bashing letter set up in my mind, different bits of it written out in my memory whenever the feeling came. It was a really good letter, I thought. The feeling's not there anymore but no doubt it'll come back to me. If it does, this letter will be written. But if it doesn't (it'd be a miracle if it doesn't..), I guess I just wanted to let you know it was there, even up until recently, that feeling. But home has such healing hands, both the home I live in and the home I carry around with me just about everywhere. I plan on taking it - home - to Manchester with me this autumn, something I think I forgot to do last time. We'll see how that goes.

edit: well now, see? I knew the feeling would be back soon enough! Luckily, 'twas only a twinge though. 

Sigh. This, too, shall pass.

homesickness x4

It's a pretty strange situation I think I'm at right about now. Or at least, it was when it first hit me and now it's just normal in its strangeness which makes me wonder if that's a good thing or a bad one?

Anyways.

My mom was asking me the other day in Kuwait if I had an identity crisis and I jokingly told her yes and it was all her fault. But I don't have an identity crisis, really. I pretty much know who I'm dealing with when it comes to me. What I have is a home identity crisis.

In case you weren't aware, I was born in the States and as a wee lass, got shipped over to Kuwait, where I spent my first few years of school, making my first friends, chillin' with the g-parents and uncles and aunts and all that good stuff. Then, six years later, we moved back to the States and have been there, here, for the last 11 years. But because I like to think I was forced here against my will, I never considered the States my home. In the same thought, I can't exactly consider Kuwait my home either, though. It's not the country I know best, or even the language I know best (sadly). But it's where I consider I spent my childhood. That sandy brick house in Salwa is forever my home and I make my mom drive by it every single time we go back.

Even though I was still only eight when we moved here, I think that because I wasn't exactly having the time of my life, I feel like that wasn't my childhood. I kind of, um, hated it here until I was 12. (That's 'cause I hated my school and most of my schoolmates, which, obviously, is what took up the majority of my life.) That's a long time, as a kid, to hate something and not complain about it. Ever. So when I think back to my first childhood, which is pretty much sacred to me, and my second childhood, which sucked ass, I always hold the first in much higher esteem and therefore, those six years are my childhood. And because childhood is my mental home and I'm pretty sure I'm never going to grow up, Kuwait is where I feel most at home. Most of my family lives there, both families have history there, it's where my happiest memories are rooted -- in the time I lived in Kuwait. I even still have school friends there which is so great because it just roots me there even further that I have friends there despite the fact that I left when I was only eight.

So when I moved to California, no matter the connections my parents had, it just wasn't where I wanted to be. To this day, I wish I could have stayed in Kuwait and graduated from ASK, even though I'm pretty pleased with the way the move here shaped me as a person(ality). I still wonder how things would have been if we'd stayed. But last autumn, when I left for university, I shocked myself with how much I missed California. When I got homesick at school, it wasn't just for my family -- it was for the place, my sense of home in California. In eleven years, I never considered here my home, until I left it. Even living and going to school in CA didn't ram the sense of home into me because every summer and some winters, we went back to Kuwait and it wasn't just a visit, it was going back, visiting home. But last year, when I realised I now had a second home, the home of my adolescence, there came a split.

Two homes, I can deal with. I consider myself blessed and lucky to have two homes in two totally different parts of the world. I love that I come from two worlds and can deal, mostly, with both. That is all fine and dandy.

Moving to university would, I hoped, give me a third home. My home away from home away from home. Unfortunately, that didn't work out as planned and now I'm pretty homesick for that concept of home, the one I would build for myself in these few years at school and reminisce about in years to come. Bullshit. And that, I believe, has disappointed me the most. Coming to uni, in a city and country and continent of my own choice, was my first personal attempt at creating a home out of nowhere, on my own. And so far, I'm pretty sure it's failed. There's hope, but for now I think it's just a city I have to spend the next few years in with people I love, sure, but even my people-love needs the foundation of city-love. 

So there I am, a disconnected home in Kuwait, a steady home in California, and a figment of college home in Manchester. And what do my parents decide to do?

Move to the UAE, of course.

I'm not deeply bothered by this move or anything but it just got my mind on its mental toes. Because now, we're moving back to the Middle East, my childhood home, right? But silly me I've gone and settled myself in California, heartily and happily. As excited as I am to be being pulled back closer to Kuwait, the UAE is not my home. And I won't be there to make it my home. I'm not going to school there or spending long summers there making friends with my parents' friends' kids -- you know those kind of relationships. To be honest, I don't even know when I will be going to the UAE much. Maybe an easter break here or there. Because now that my family is moving away from California and I'd say my brother and I are still firmly based here, we'll be coming home to either here without the family of home or we'll be going home to the UAE where only our family is home. (Not that you should need much more than family to make your home but this is a big jump, really.) 

I'm currently settled in Manchester, only just realising California is my home, reminiscing about the golden days of Kuwait home and my family is shifting across the world. Again, except this time, without me. Which makes this shift so utterly strange. If my family comes home to California on vacations, when do I go home to Kuwait? And when do I get the chance to make Abu Dhabi my home? Does that even matter? It's just where my parents are going to live for the few years to come. 

So home now becomes the abstract concept that it has always been but with a little more detachment. I imagine every college kid goes through this, right? But maybe the others just have the home home and the college home to sort out. Homesick for home while you're at school and homesick for school when you're away. I'm not homesick for school. In fact, I wish I could stay here in CA for the next year, at least. When I think of the next few years in my head, visually, it pretty much goes grey after next summer, when my family will have made the official move. It's just an uncertainty I have to deal with and put my faith in the fact that everything goes as planned, right?

My parents say it's our plight as Palestinians, to have no home (yet), that the world is our home. I like that, the world is our home. I like that better than feeling the existence of a specific landmark is necessary for home. And maybe it helps that I am at home within myself. My home is anywhere I want it to be and I'm glad because I plan on making the entire world my home and I think I've already got a good chunk of it down.