well this is odd.

currently: bundled up in two jumpers, picking broken bugles out of a crumpled crisps bag.

i’ve left behind my spanish radio station and long drives to myself. left behind my momma and my fluffy kitty. my paints and my paint-stained carpet. the grapefruit lotion that smells like summer. my bookshelves. my cloud of a bed. all my endless sunshine.. to start my third and final year of university, which is promising to be a death race, to an empty flat in a hall that’s not exactly my fave and in which the heating system has not yet been turned on.

but i’m feeling surprisingly giddy, which is probably part honest excitement and part delirious jetlag. although the situation could be severely improved if i wasn’t wearing moccasins, gloves up to my elbows, and a fleece sweater over a jumper to keep warm. welcome back to england, huh?

how is it summer again already?

Home, chilling in the living room, watching N Korea hold its own against Brazil. I'm excited. It's N Korea's first World Cup since 1966 and one of the players actually cried during their national anthem. I'm rooting for them.

I already feel rushed though, like this summer is going to be another hit-the-ground-running escapade. It's getting quite exhausting, living each epoch in my life hitting the ground running. Seriously, I only just got here. But I'd rather be rushed at home with things like reading, painting, friends, family and food than with coursework and exams. How are exams a distant memory already even though I only just finished last Monday? Membranes & Signalling went alright, I hope. Motor Systems went disgustingly and I've gradually gotten more and more worried that I haven't passed the more I think about it. Neuropharmacology was promising to be one of the most stressful exams of my life (120+ drugs, their mechanisms, side effects, uses etc fully memorised and resourced at my -- aw, Brazil just scored. Hm. I want to hug the N Korean keeper. Anyways. Yeah, a lot of drugs and little brain space) but it went quite well, considering. And lastly, 2.5 days to learn the craziest amount of information on Genetic Engineering, which I found quite interesting as a whole but really, really would have preferred not to be examined on it. But that went surprisingly better than anticipated as well, ie I didn't think I'd be able to answer a single question and in fact, could answer more than that PLUS write a three page essay on creating a gene knockout mouse line. Yeah, good stuff.

So, there went a second year. One year to go. What. It was whilst revising Neuropharm and Genetic Eng that made me realise that I do really enjoy all these topics, even though I say I hate them throughout the semester. They're not that difficult to understand, mostly, and are rather interesting for the most part. Getting them into my brain is a different story, but when I think about it, it worries me that I spend a good deal of the year wasting my energy on whining about how gross Neuropharm is or what the heck these lab results are supposed to tell me that I completely forget to enjoy myself. That this is all I have, whether I spend it negatively or happily and I think we all know which most people would rather choose.

"The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived -- not always looked forward to as though the "real" living were around the next corner."

-- Elisabeth Elliot

I think that's how I've spent a good deal of my time at Manchester, having constant expectations for what uni should have been like, being disappointed and then sticking it out by having expectations of post-uni and depending on those to kick off my real living. Like I'm always in the hold between what I'd hoped and those hopes being realised. (Brazil just scored again. :( ) I sit here in the waiting, forgetting that what's happening right now is my real life, whether it's fulfilled my expectations or not. All that waiting makes for wasted years. Here I am with one year left of university, promising to be my busiest and most exhausting and I realise NOW that I need to make the most of it? Sigh. I have such a delayed reaction to life.

What else, what else?

I went to see Pemberley! It's called Lyme Park in Disley/Derbyshire. aka the house of Mr Darcy in the 1995 Pride and Prejudice (the only adaptation worth mentioning...). It was beautiful and fun and sunny and country and pretty and duckful.

(NORTH KOREA GOALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!)

self-timer take one: amina falls in a log

self-timer take two: the band photo

a fine prospect :)

We also had a pretty fantastic fundraiser for Action Palestine, my sole reason for living most of the time. Everyone in that society makes me happy and glad to be in Manchester. I'm so thankful for its existence. And it upsets me that we get so close to some of the members in such a short span of time only to say goodbye for (what seems like) good at the end of the year. I wish they would stay in my life forever. It really distresses me that there are people I know now who I might never see again, ever. How do human beings function like this, quickly flitting in and out of each other's lives? The end of next year is not going to be pretty.

In other news, I'm hired at the Faculty of Life Sciences as a student ambassador :). I get to show around all the potential freshers next year and get paid for it, wearing a bright red hoodie so that everyone who wants to direct their attention on a specific moving target will always find me to satisfy their staring needs. Good stuff.

Now, summer. See you in September.

life lesson #287

Don't henna your hair and hands simultaneously. It's bad enough attempting contortionism to wash it out in the sink but to do so one-handedly will be simply beyond your capabilities.

Particularly at 2am. Definitely not.

afterthought

Or maybe my influx of future planning and itching to demolish all feelings of immobility is in opposition to my move to Manc. Maybe it's all those pent up thoughts of being stuck in a rut, expressing themselves in endless hopes of tomorrow. That being here doesn't evoke possibilities and wide-eyed ambition, but rather suffocation and a desperation to get out.

/melodramatic. It's exam season, don't judge. Update on that front: Absolutely nothing is sticking in my head. I can't wait to be done but at the same time dread impending doom and failure and don't want to deal with those either. 11 days till home.

"A person is not old until regrets take the place of dreams."

-- John Barrymore

I feel old.

2/4

I think in my intentions to make this a diary-like record all about my time in England, studying abroad, I forgot who I was. I mean, I forgot in the way that I neglected my habit of not being a narrow-minded, focused individual who would get here and do nothing but be wide-eyed, drinking in English culture. I have been that, of course, but being here, as most experiences do in my life, has opened my mind up wider, pushing borders further and further into nonexistence. By coming here, I don't feel like I just moved to Manchester, England; I feel like I moved into the rest of the world. The world has always been big and full of possibilities but I don't think I've ever made so many plans for the future as I have since I arrived. My own world feels so small and inexperienced. I'm so impatient waiting till I can BUST A MOVE.

Right.

memory smell #8:

Any and all Herbal Essences products. I just spent five minutes sniffing my curl gel thing because it smells like home. It smells like aftershowers, wet hair and cool breezes, wafting down the corridor. Some of the shampoo and conditioner scents can even evoke specific seasons -- the blue one feels like winter, for example.

Have you discovered any memory smells lately?

currently reading: Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

currently listening: last.fm

shake that flavours shaken: 6

What would you attempt if you knew that you could not fail?

I would quit university and take a whirlwind trip around the world to develop my skills as a painter and master all sorts of media and live out my life as a prolific artist. Ithinkicanithinkicanithinkican.

'Sup, Figgy?

thetempertrap

are absolute magic. Go see them. Do it. Don't think twice about it. And go without expectations, because they will blow you away. Except, I just gave you expectations. Ignore that bit.

Also, their support Sarah Blasko - quaint and soft and heartful and such a good beat.

Bombay Bicycle Club a couple weeks ago was less satisfactory. Their support Jonquil was IMMENSE though I think they're the type of band that is crazy better live than they are on record (see: Mr Hudson).

Ah, music. Love.

PS Exams? What exams?